i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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