dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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