I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
