I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
