before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need a burrito and a hug.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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