Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
