So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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