everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
