I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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