Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
