Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
