A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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