ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
