he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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