Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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