Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
