u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
