Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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