I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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