Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
