She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
soo... how was my night?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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