I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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