I seem to have left my pride at pride
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
