32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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