uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
