in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
