Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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