mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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