Screwed.edu
My hand turned me down
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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