I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
