just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
