Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
