I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
