my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
