I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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