Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
