So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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