he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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