he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
