i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
