A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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