Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
