If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
