i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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