The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
