my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
