Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
