I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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