He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
