If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
